I am not fond of class systems, social stratification, or the connotations that come with it.
However, growing up in the one of the 20% most deprived areas in Scotland (Scottish Index of Multiple Deprivation 2016), my background is very working class. I was the first in my family to attend University and the only person I know (out-with University) to become a Solicitor. A daunting, yet exciting prospect.
From a young age, I worked hard. I was disciplined. I set high standards for myself. I was serious. I loathed failure. I had a goal. (inset I Dreamed a Dream by Randy Graff link here…)
My goal was not only to become a Solicitor, but to succeed in spite of my background, to escape the restriction I had seen and felt growing up.
I vividly remember being in High School and University, staying up all night to complete work, to re-read my work, to criticise my work and to re-read it again. Part of my drive was based on a fear that my potential would always be capped and limited to my background.
Attending University and mixing with a variety of people was great. I learned to have an opinion and not to be scared to voice it. I prided myself in coming across as strong-minded and focussed. Internally however, I often questioned my ability, downplayed my achievements and felt very aware that I came from a different background to (a lot) of my peers. I often assumed others were superior and more credible than I was, and even when I achieved what I set out to, I found myself feeling I could always do better.
For years, I never told anyone of the self-doubt I was experiencing (it seemed ridiculous) and I assumed that it would come across as a vulnerability or a weakness. However, very recently I spoke to a Solicitor I met earlier this year and explained the heightened feelings of fraudulence I was experiencing, and the thoughts that others around me were smarter, more composed and more competent that I could ever be.
To my surprise, she did not look at me like I had four heads (quite the contrary actually). She seemed to resonate with what I was saying, and described it as ‘Imposter Syndrome’. I was shocked to hear that she had experienced it herself, someone with decades of experience in the industry, who is recognised and credited for her ability.
Imposter Syndrome was something I had heard of but knew very little about. After completing further research, I learned that Imposter Syndrome is (not a medical condition) something that affects an astonishing number of people, including those who appear to be academically, vocationally and financially accomplished. Imposter Syndrome affects those who seem to ‘Have it all’. Those who we all look to in awe, who seem to handle situations with grace and confidence. All. The. Time.
I have only recently learned that these people do not actually exist. A quote I recently came across sums this up well “Comparing your insides with other people’s outsides”. Those people who we look at in awe are very likely to be feeling the exact same way – they are just better at hiding it!
I discovered the Women in Law podcasts, where female Solicitors and Barristers discuss the same feelings. Jodie Hill, a Solicitor who set up revolutionary law firm ‘Thrive’ discusses mental health, being female and also coming from a working class background. It is like a breath of fresh air listening to such inspiring people and I would strongly encourage anyone reading this to listen to the podcasts. Industry of any type, but particularly the legal sector, should be more inclusive and equal. There is not one ‘type’ of successful Solicitor (or person) and not one type of person who fits the job. More females are entering the profession than ever before, which is a great step. However, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, class background and so forth, also need to be accounted for.
The purpose of this *personal* blog is not to write a diary entry, but to raise awareness that these feelings are normal. Whether you are going for a job interview or a promotion, starting a business or thinking of telling someone of idea you had – believe in yourself. The opportunities around you belong to you just as much as they belong to others.
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